While curled up on the couch together, my husband and I had the following conversation:

Me: Why is it called spooning?

Hubby: Probably because saying "I want to knife you" kills the mood.

My husband and I are adiment about not having children...at least for right now. We're mid 20s with a whole lot of beer with our names on it and we don't want a baby slowing down our liver killing. It's not that we hate kids, we're just realists. They're a lot of work and commitment and we're pretty damn lazy.
As of late I have been having some medical problems and finally got a call from the doc today stating that I have a bacteria...antibiotics, stat! So I told hubby that the doctor had called and after he asked what was wrong, I couldn't help but blurt out that I was pregnant. I might have well told him I had cancer. The look on his face, the panic in his voice...priceless. After calming his frazzled nerves with the truth, we started idlely chatting about babies:

Me: We do keep talking about kids, maybe that means we'll want to have them one day.

Hubby: Sugar, my friends and I talk about the HIV at work, that doesn't mean I want it.

Me: We've been playing the McDonald's Monopoly all week - entering the codes online and everything

Lisa: Yeah, Jake and I are doing that too. I told him I hope we win $100,000. But then I realized: Hell, I'd be happy with a free small fry.

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,
I highly doubt that you use $7 box dye to color your hair. Most likely, you pay someone to do this at a price that is probably about the same as my mortgage payment. Please stop trying to pretend that you actually let this substance touch your hair and find something else to sellout to.

Sincerely,
Crapless Life

I'm from Michigan. My family is suffering just as much as everyone else. We work hard, support GM, and hope for the best. Then I find this article. Why would a GM employee not take advantage of their GM discount? I would love to see this make it on CNN.

http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/04/exclusive-bailout-madness-general-motors-workers-parking-lot-filled-foreign-cars

Monologue to Family about the cats:

I don't understand why Jay doesn't like Coal. He gets so pissy when she gets near him.
She just wants to rub up against him....what boy doesn't want a girl to do that??

Dear Vince,
I have always enjoyed your Sham Wow commercial. I become mesmerized with your excitement and the awesomeness that is the Sham Wow. I'm amazed every time it sucks up all the water from the pie dish and then doesn't drip. It's the only commercial that can stop my channel flipping in its tracks.
However, I have a concern with your newest product, the Slap Chop. The product looks amazing, but your script seems to have a small problem. Near the end, you aren't chopping anything, you look deeply into the camera and say "You're gonna love my nuts." While completely hilarious, you have set yourself up for thousands of jokes, like the picture of this post.
just thought I'd let you know
~Melissa

Ever have one of those moments where one of the smallest things happen and you absolutely explode? A week's worth of stress comes flying out because someone didn't use their blinker. The next thing you know you've sent that car flying into the ditch and there is a 30 car pile up behind you. It's just that one moment where you can't take another minute and you explode like a bomb. I hate my job - not the way that normal people hate their jobs. I have to take Xanax in order to cope with it. After a week full of hell, I walked in on Friday determined to not let the job get me down. Went to my office, reached in my purse to grab my breakfast and felt something...funny. I pulled my hand out and realized that my yogurt had exploded all over inside my leather purse..........BOOOOOM!

I hate Lent. For those of you blissfully unaware of what it is, it is 40 days from Ash Wednesday (last Wednesday) until Easter. It's the reason we have Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, and Poonchkies (however you spell that, the browser suggests Munchkins, idiot). The real reason for its existence is for 40 days of sacrifice. Catholics, amongst other religions, give up meat on Fridays and then something they like to do for the entire 40 days. The point - sacrifice what you enjoy for God. That's all great and dandy, but this is what pisses me off. Giving up effing chocolate so that you can lose a few pounds during Lent is NOT a sacrifice!!! "Sacrificing" ice cream, smoking, potato chips, or pot doesn't count either. You don't get to use Lent as an excuse to renew your New Year's Resolution! It's about suffering, not skimming a few pounds off your ass in the process. The best is the fact that if you actually count the days there are 45 of them - so some people take this as - Sundays don't count and I can smoke a pack of cigarettes while eating my ice cream topped with chips and pot. Fantastic. That'll be fun to explain to God. "Well, I figured it was a cheat day and like I can really go 45 days without my daily intake of heart attack." Your religion is your religion, but don't rub your beliefs in my face and then pull this shit. Seriously. I'm going to Dairy Queen.

I'm sorry for my complete slacking the last few days. I have been working hard to build a new website which has all but killed any creativity I would have had for the blog. However, I will take this opportunity to link to it even though it still needs some work - let me know what you think. Northern Mid-Michigan
I've also been working at ehow.com. For those of you that love to write, Ehow now offers payments to those who write ehow articles. Try it, add me as a friend, we'll have a money making party. I'll bring the chips and dip.
Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging again today. Wouldn't want you to come all this way just to Entrecard drop and not get any entertainment out of it. You gotta love Richard!

Did you ever hear something so retarded you couldn't even believe it came out of someone's mouth? This happened to me this morning. The radio talk show I listen to had two workers on the phone and was doing a job comparison. Jason worked for a municipality, Bob worked as a painter. Joe is the host.

Joe: When was the last time you smoked weed on the job?

Jason: last year

Bob: yesterday (which will explain his next answer)

Joe: Have you ever faked a religion to skip a day of work

Bob: yes

Joe: Which holiday did you take off - Good Friday?

Bob: No, President's Day


Bob, put down the weed. You seriously may have done some brain damage over the years. Or maybe it was all those times you didn't wear a mask and the paint fumes made it to your brain. I don't really know what happened to you, but I suppose as long as you can tell blue from yellow, then you're still okay, right?

Me: Ryan, you are so annoying
Ryan: Your face!
Me: Your mom!
Ryan: 7!
Me:......what?
Ryan: Ha! I win!

I'm tired of worrying about money and mortgages. Who is with me on that? Today is all about mindless entertainment. So forget about that depressing credit card debt and the money issues driving you crazy and enjoy six minutes of humor.

Angry and fuming about a friend of mine, my husband tried to calm me down. "Honey, look at it this way. Friends are like a pair of clean underwear, it's always nice to know you have one."

I came up with a great idea. Everyone is freaking out about how much it is going to cost us to do this stimulus package. Well, if you were watching yesterday while Obama signed it, you would have noticed that he used ten different pens. They're suppose to be used as memorabilia for those who helped create it. I have a better idea. Auction them off on Ebay. Who wouldn't want their own little chunk of history? This package could save the country - could you imagine what the pen it was signed with (by the first black president)would be worth? We could use the money to fund the plan. That chair he was sitting on? Ebay! What about the desk the stimulus plan was signed on? Ebay! The silly tie he was wearing? EBAY! Talk about stimulating the economy...this could work :)

I was doing my grocery shopping yesterday in Walmart. Walmart is the only place where no matter how backwoods and white trash you are, there is someone there who has you beat. While walking around in a desperate search for pineapple, I couldn't help but overhear two employees talking. Talking is an understatement. They were actually shouting to each other across the entire produce section. While slightly annoying to have one yelling in my ear asking the other about her tax return, I about died when I heard the response. With much glee and happiness in her voice, she yelled back, "My boyfriend is gonna buy me somethin' nice with the tax return." yup...yelled loud enough that even the people by the tomatoes heard her. So if you are feeling down with your crappy Valentine's day gift, or think you might be a little too white trash, take heart in the fact that you aren't this girl.

I find that it is better to spend at least a little money to do something fun, then to scrimp every penny and be bored out of my mind. Even though it is a recession, everyone needs a bit of fun right? We all went to the Professional Bull Riders (PBR) event in a nearby town. It was all of the spectacular bull-jumping, cowboy-tossing, and horrible junk-food-eating I had hoped it would be. If you have never been to one, you gotta go. By the way, that picture is mine. Don't rip it off or I will find you.

Since my last post was sad, I decided to add some comedy to keep my blog from being a downer. Enjoy the video!

This happened about a month ago, but the controversy is still swirling so I thought I would put my two cents in. The summary of what happened is that an elderly man (wife died a few years ago, no kids) wasn't paying his electric bill in Bay City MI. The company came out and put a limiter on his house that acts like a fuse. You use too much power, it blows and you need to walk your happy butt outside to reset it. The 93 year old was found three days later by a neighbor checking in on him - he had froze to death. His house had ice on the inside of the windows and it was 39 degrees. Think about how much your hands hurt when you get really cold - it's about 10 times worth with hypothermia. That is how he died. Tragic story right? but as time goes on, it is seriously getting worse.
Come to find out, the man was a World War II veteran. He also had slight dementia, which means even if he did know what was going on, he would most likely forget on his way to fix it.
The electric company NEVER explained to him that there was a limiter on his house or what to do when it was tripped.
The worse part? There on his counter was the electric bill with the check in full paper clipped to it. You...have...GOT...to ....be...kidding...me
Not only that - he left everything to Bay Medical Center (a whooping $600,000)So it's not like he was broke, he just didn't have the mental capacity. But did anyone try to contact him? Did they stop to say, "hey, we are putting this little do-dad on your power source. Do you by chance have a check for us?"..."oh...I see you aren't quite all there mentally- I'll just let the neighbor know so that you don't die a cold and painful death."
Good job Bay City electric, you are all morons.

We have all seen the commercials. Mail in your gold and they give you a check. They even had a great Superbowl commercial with Ed McMahon and MC Hammer. But when my family saw it, our reaction was "how do they afford to pay them if everyone is getting a great deal on their gold?" The following site did a test with some gold jewelry.
Pawn shop appraisal: $198
Cash4Gold: $60
Call to demand gold back, offer raised too: $178

Wow. So, if you are thinking of shipping grandma's ring off for some quick cash, think again.

See whole article here

So a senator is trying to pass a law in Michigan making it required for children under the age of 12 to wear a helmet while sledding....not on a snowmobile, on a sled...down that little hill over there. Are you serious? First off, why is this the most pressing thing to bring to the legislature? What happened to the dying economy? It's all better now, let's talk about helmets! Secondly, what are you going to hit your head on? If you are out in the woods, obviously a tree, but who is going to go check the backwoods of Michigan to make sure everyone is wearing their helmet. Thirdly, can you imagine a police officer giving a parent a ticket for not putting a helmet on their kid - you would hear everyone say, "don't the police have something better to do?" It is the most useless piece of legislation ever. Maybe the senator who thought it up should wear a helmet during his ride on the short bus into Lansing.

I had to post this. I want my eyebrows to be like this :)

Found at Steven Humour

I saw this on another blog and thought it was a great idea. It's a quick geography game and every right answer helps the cause. Check it out.

President Obama will be ordering the Food and Drug Administration under review this week. As an avid food eater, I am shocked that it has taken this long for someone to finally ask “where has the FDA been?” While they seem hardnosed with drugs, they have faltered as of late with food. Whether it is the standards that are slipping or the inspections themselves remains to be seen.
Obama’s order comes after the well known salmonella outbreak caused by peanut butter that has affected over 500 people. While the number seems low, the actual amount of those affected could be much larger. Symptoms are flu like and some can recover without hospitalization. Also, the peanut butter company who is at fault for this outbreak has been testing positive for contamination since 2007. How can a company go this long without anyone stepping in? While jar peanut butter is still safe, literally tons of industrial peanut butter has been shipped all over the country and put into hundreds of everyday products – like those crackers you are eating while reading this.
This isn’t the first time that food has made it to consumers covered in bacteria. This past summer was marked by the tomato scare. Tomatoes were no longer available at any restaurant and most super markets. I was denied my pico at Chipotle and my yummy tomato slice at Burger King! We went three weeks without tomatoes only to find out that it was actually jalapeño peppers that were the culprits. Before the tomatoes was the spinach. E coli was running rampant on the best-for-you vegetable. While kids around the world celebrated, many were angered at the idea of actually dying from the vegetable we were promised “wasn’t going to kill us.”
The latest development is mushrooms. (read the article here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,486534,00.html) However, unlike the peanut butter catastrophe, this company is actually doing its own recall and not waiting two years to see how it goes first. While I’m not an ideal candidate to die of listeria, my grandmother is. Hopefully with the FDA under review, food will become a little safer for us all again.

Oh yes, the Superbowl. Even people who hate football go to the party to eat free food and root for the commercials. When I told an older woman from my community that we were hosting our own Superbowl party, her reaction was "They act like it's the second coming of Christ" with the biggest eye-roll she could muster. But come on! Who doesn't love the Superbowl commercials? I'm torn somewhere between the angry box flowers (no one wants to see you naked!) and the 1 second beer commercial. Bud light also had a great one with a worker being thrown out a window. If you missed the commercials, you can check them out at http://www.hulu.com .
I'm also excited for the movie trailers that premiered. Especially for the new Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen. It looks amazing!
Other movies that I will at least rent include:
Year One
Land of the Lost
Race to Witch Mountain (if only to see Dwayne Johnson's one liners)

Speaking of movies, I watched Underworld: Rise of the Lichens
It was a great movie, just like it's former two saga brothers. Great story line and the acting was up to par. My only dislike of the movie was how fake the wolves looked. They should have went for something a little more like the werewolves in Van Hellsing. Other than that, anyone who enjoyed the first two should see this one as well, even if you only rent it.

I have recently embarked on the oh-so-fun journey of trying to get exposure for my photography. I used Flickr quite a bit and I was able to get published from that. I am eagerly awaiting my copy of the publication. I, of course, made no money on it but figured it was a good way to get myself out there. I don't want to do this professionally, but a little extra income would be nice. I found another website where people can find your artwork and the company prints everything and ships for you. I'm currently holding off on this since it's $30 to have this option available. I'm waiting to see if anyone would want to purchase it first. I think a lot of people like to think they can take great photos or do something artsy fartsy. For me, I think I just like giving people another perspective on the world - just like my blog.

I, along with most women I'm sure, am so angry about this stupid Jessica Simpson thing. Oh, she's the size of a normal human being now - let's take pictures and say horribly snarky things about her. The picture is of her at a country concert. I have to say - the outfit is not the best. But seriously, when did it become huge news for someone to gain 15 pounds? Could you imagine having your tiny weight gain broadcasted to the world? How horrible! I just want to hug her. Jessica, it's okay, you're still the amazing woman you were last week.

I was listening to the radio this morning and the host was saying that he went to the mall yesterday to stimulate the economy. I just have to wonder - when did the word "shopping" get replaced with the phrase "stimulate the economy"? How many points did the Dow have to plummet in order for this change to occur? I have even caught myself saying it. Where are you off to? Oh, I'm off to stimulate the economy. Have things really gone so off course that our weekend hobbies are being renamed? I don't even really know if it is up to us as citizens to stimulate the economy. Maybe if companies would stop laying people off, canning anyone who has been in the company longer than 5 years, and closing down offices like it's going out of style, we would have more money to spend. But they are cutting costs because no one is spending. How do you stop something that is a never ending cycle of poor decisions? I heard about a week ago about how companies are getting rid of employees with seniority because they pay them more so it is more cost effective. However, once the economy does try to recover - these same business will be unable to satisfy demand because they will be understaffed with incompetent people. Is there really a solution to this? Obama is trying to pass his stimulus package. Most people see it as throwing money at the problem, just like the last checks we received. However, I'm sure these same people will be just as happy to accept THEIR check from the government as everyone else. But they will most likely put it into a savings account or pay off some old debt with it. Me....I think I'll go stimulate the economy.

"We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends" ~Martin Luther King

I heard this in the morning while listening to the news. They were interviewing Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who is currently about to be impeached. At some point in everyone's life, you go through something horrible. And you'll be surprised, just like I was, how few of those close to you stand up to help.

My hometown celebrated a 100 year old local man last week. While in his 20's, he attended Michigan State University but failed to receive his degree because he couldn't afford the last few classes. Now at the age of 100, he has received an honorary degree from MSU for forestry. This was thanks to a friend of his who worked with MSU to help him receive his degree. Yay for the good of other people!

1. Human stem cell research has begun. The hope is that injecting stem cells into the spinal cords of injured persons will actually help permanent injuries to heal. Test persons will be monitored for one year.

As always, I have been a fan of stem cell research. Although I don't agree with mothers receiving money for the embryo, I definitely think it is something that could advance medical technology. Healing those with major back issues could be an amazing discovery when the answer use to just be "here's a wheel chair"

2. A football coach is being charged with reckless homicide when he allegedly refused to allow a 15 year old player to take water breaks. The player collapsed with a 107 degree temperature and died three days later

Are you serious? I was competitive in high school and I got pushed hard, but come on people! Running players with no water in 90 degree heat is inexcusable. There is more to life than just this. If you are going to do three hour practices, give them water!

3. McCain doesn't agree with Obama's move to close Guantanamo Bay. "I think that it's a wise move. But I also think that we should have addressed this whole issue completely, because it did not address the issue of those who we have in custody and can't -- and no country will take them back."

McCain's point has merit. However, who is still talking to McCain? I thought you disappeared off the face of the planet when you lost an election. Since when did his opinion become news worthy? Apparently Mrs. Obama hasn't worn anything interesting or else that would have topped the news instead of McCain.

There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. But it's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and their crap.